Pat:
Well fuck a duck. This is the phrase that sums up Inglorious Basterds perfectly, and not just because it cleverly rhymes fuck with duck, but also for real reasons. You see, Inglorious Basterds gets you into that perfect state of mind where fucking a duck would be a truly wholesome experience instead of a shrill and unpleasant one, like a Michael Bay movie or a field-trip to a home filled with deaf-retards, which are, lets face it, pretty much the same thing. In true Tarantino fashion, this movie blends genres flawlessly and pays homage to the old western directors he idolizes while packing a unique punch that only Tarantino could deliver. It is entertainment at its highest form, and is more or less everything you could ever want in a movie. I admit, some scenes did drag on just a little bit for me, and maybe one character was flat, but these are just minor blemishes on a near perfect work of art. Tarantino has simply taken World War II and re-written it so it is much, much cooler. I would say more about the movie, or give a more in-depth review, but it would basically be me geeking out about how much I loved it. So let me sum up the movie like this: if you bring a duck along with you to see Inglorious Basterds, the two of you will laugh together at the black humor, marvel at the outstanding dialogue and performances, and be in awe at the sight of Eli Roth playing The Bear Jew (yes, there is a character called The Bear Jew, he is a big fucking jew who beats people to death with his jew-bat). And after the movie is over, you’ll hold the wing of the duck with whom you just shared a wonderful experience and look into it’s beady little eyes with a smile on your face. Then, you will go home and fuck its brains out, because your mind was just blown by how awesome the movie was, and there really was no other option.
Lev:
Wow. Basterds is like some sort of amazing box of candy. This box of candy was specially designed and put together by people who are passionate about fantastic candy. And there’s some classic stuff in there, candy from the 40s, 70s, what have you, but it hasn’t gotten staler with age, it actually tastes better. You’re probably thinking “what the fructose!?” (cue rim-shot,) but believe me, it is possible for things to be that awesome. And yes, the box looks pretty flipping awesome too. It is a classy, damn box.
When you’re handed Inglourious Basterds, you know it’s going to be good, it’s a Tarantino-crafted box of candy, after all. You open the lid, and right away you notice some high class stuff, the finest French dark chocolates (I’m not giving up this extended metaphor anytime soon, bitches,) then there’s some pop rocks, just for kicks. Really, I mean really, this box of candy was put togethor with thought. Its only flaw is perhaps that Tarantino got a little lazy with the overall piece and threw in candy all over the place. You get one or two bites of some brilliantly delicious nugget-filled delight, and then it’s gone. there’s no more of it. You miss it, ask why there isn’t more, but you have to understand, this box is full of awesome candy. There’s only so much room for your favorites. Yes, perhaps a more well-planned box of candy would have more of those real winners, it’s certainly not perfect. And there’s bitter candies, candies with subtle tastes that elude you, candies with a romantic, yet almost solely superficial flair. This will get to some people, especially when these candies take up large, consecutive portions of the box. They’re not the quick punches; they’re not the screaming Nazis. They’re just … atmosphere. But this is a classy box; it’s romantic. Perhaps it indulges too much in these candies that lack immediate bursts of flavor. But if you decide to savor it, really let it sit in and do its thing, you can appreciate the effort. It adds to the atmosphere of the box. If all you had in this box was lollipops, it wouldn’t carry the same charm.
In short, I guarantee that this box is in a very exclusive league of confectionery delights. It’s not perfect. Some of the best candies in it are disappointingly sparse, and a lot of it is decorative, evocative of so much, but it could arguably use better candy pacing. But look here, at the bottom of the box is a mound, yes, a mound, of candy so perfectly delightful, so amazingly good, that you will finish that box thinking “FUCK. This box of candy was made by people who fucking know how to make awesome boxes of candy. How come no else let’s their emotions ring so boldly, so true, as the confectioners of this box of candy let them? I would nearly fuck this box of candy. But maybe I’ll just suck that dick and a half.”
Matt:
Starting out, I would like to say this. It is not a bad thing that Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt’s character) was one dimensional. It may seem slightly obvious to say so, but somehow, I have read things like “Brad Pitt’s character was disappointingly one dimensional.” Okay, idiots, to say his acting was disappointingly one dimensional is remarkably similar to saying: “Using long adverbs and scientific words like dimensional makes me sound smart, right?” No, it doesn’t. And by the way, Lt. Aldo Raine would not be nearly as amazing if he was not so one dimensional. How stupid would his character be if he frequently reflected on the consequences of his actions, and then had a change of heart halfway through the film, decided to stop killing Nazis, and started volunteering in a soup kitchen? Very stupid. Perhaps stupid enough to ruin the movie. Thankfully, Tarantino knows better. By the way, we’re talking about his latest film, Inglorious Basterds, which was awesome. This movie will not be hailed as something that forces you to reflect on humanity’s worth, or anything else that is generally considered artistic by people who don’t actually know what art is, but its dialogue is quite well done and the action scenes are, for the most part, impeccable. It isn’t very difficult to enjoy this movie. To those who just didn’t like this movie, I would like to say this. Would you also say you don’t care for a well trained, yet excitable puppy that admittedly (and adorably, I might add) loves killing Nazis? I hope not. This isn’t to say that this movie is one that you have to see, it’s just that it is a really good movie to watch with your friends. It’s really awesome to see Hitler’s face blown off by hundreds of machine gun rounds. It’s awesome to see the Bear Jew beat a Nazi to death with a baseball bat. I am going to recommend that you see this movie, like a friend would recommend it to you. It’s good. If you don’t care for a lot of gore, you might not like it as much. There you go.
Final grade: