Lev:
Who the hell does God think He is? Just because He’s omniscient and omnipotent He thinks He has the right to create us and then dictate what we’re allowed to do with our lives and why we’re doing it? It’s demoralizing. You want me to do everything for you, Mr. Fancy Pants? Well I’m an individual, and more importantly, I’m a human. I’d prefer to think about the human race rather than your stupid roundabout approaches to how I’m supposed to live my life. Is the betterment of humanity not an issue to humans? Must we all tie ourselves down to an irrelevant, unidentifiable being in order to improve the state of the world? That sounds more counterproductive than anything.
Oh yeah, I’m supposed to feel real fulfilled knowing I’m doing everything by your stupid rulebook. To quote Oingo Boingo, “Let’s have a party, there’s a full moon in the sky/It’s the hour of the wolf and I don’t wanna die.” Life is short and we’re only mortal. I need to do whatever I can to make the most of this pitiful planet, and that doesn’t involve obsessing over some distant being who, regardless of whether he does/doesn’t exist, might as well not. Yeah, you heard me, God, I called you meaningless.
And what if I do live my life in honor of you? What then? I go to heaven? Oh, good, glad I got my friggin’ reward at the end of the rainbow. And what if I don’t? Well then “here I am standing with my dick in my hand/Waiting for an invitation to the promised land,” to quote Oingo Boingo again. Um … I like Oingo Boingo.
God, I’d say fuck you, but to be perfectly honest, I would absolutely want to fuck God. (“What a twist!” – M. Night Shyamalan) I mean, He may be a crappy answer to the meaning of life, but it is God we’re talking about here, and that’s pretty badass. Call me weak. Okay, okay, I’m not to going to go all the way with Him, on principal, but I’d definitely suck that dick.
Pat:
Let there be light.
You know who first said those words? God. God did, when he created the whole. Freaking. Universe.
I admit God, that’s pretty cool. Pretty, pretty cool.
Just one issue God, why’d you fuck it up so badly? I mean, seriously! Where are all the crazy, time-bending wormholes and badass, alien spacecrafts with their abundance of space-cash? Why is it that your puny human subjects were able to come up with cooler things to put in the universe than you?
And here’s another thing, God. Did you really have to create assholes? Yeah, I get the whole “if there were no evil, you would not appreciate the good” thing, but I think you just took it too far. Do puppies really need to be decapitated so I can learn to appreciate my ice cream cone? What kind of fucked-up logic is that God?!?! I’m sure you meant well when you gave us assholes, and when you made all tasty food bad for us, and when you let Hitler get as far as he did, and when you created AIDS, but those are some of the things that make the world suck. Can you not understand that?
God, you have failed at your duties as God; you don’t deserve the capital “G” at the beginning of your name! god, there, I won’t even capitalize it at the start of a sentence!
*Sigh*…I’m sorry I’m so cruel to you, god. I suppose I just expected a higher dimensional super power to have a better handle on things. I mean, with the way you are running things here, heaven must be a complete shithole. I certainly do not want heaven to be my soul’s eternal resting place if you are the head of the club. I think I’d rather go to hell, Satan is at least competent.
I know I’ve been harsh to you, god, but I suppose you did get some things right. Hey, if you had not created the universe, I would not have any tools to use to complain about you, so I suppose a thank you is in order. Thank you, god. Thanks for at least having the courtesy to create something that I can use to tell you what a shitty job you are doing.
And, what the hell, if I were drunk and you were willing, I’d give you a handjob.
Matt:
Hm. I guess God’s okay. He isn’t terribly awesome and he isn’t really lame either. Despite the fact that several religions claim that God is all powerful, I have yet to see any battle ax wielding bears driving tanks made out of molten lava fighting giant jellyfish that shoot lightening out of their tentacles, which are ridden by tribes of genius hippopotami inventing weapons that blow up solar systems. I can’t say that I’m impressed. Fortunately, legends tell of a God that is kind and generous, giving joy and peace to an undeserving mankind. Other legends tell of a God that is cruel and spiteful, crushing an undeserving mankind at every turn. Other legends say other stuff, but most of the time, mankind ends up as unworthy. This is just about the only thing that God keeps consistent. God thinks mankind isn’t good enough. It probably wouldn’t be as stretch to say that God thinks men are shortsighted, selfish, and frequently incompetent. It also wouldn’t be a stretch to say that I agree. But I don’t think that God has any sort of right to prance about saying these things about people. I doubt he’s very good at prancing, for one. He deserves some credit, as far as success goes, for the horde that call themselves his followers, whether the success is due to action on his part, humanity’s inability to function on its own, or because humans survive better when they feel like existence has a purpose. He might just be lucky, ending up with all of these people believing in him, like some sort of a hick who routinely buys a lotto ticket at the little old gas station that’s been around for quite a long time, truly under the impression that he has a chance to win, but one day, “YEEEEHAAAAWWWW!!!” He wins. This win, both on God’s part and the hillbilly’s, would seem to be a good thing at first. But it ruined their lives. God was unable to control the massive surge of believers. He found that he could hide behind them, make himself appear to be someone he wasn’t. But as he kept up the lie, he denounced his family, his friends, and his community. Pretty soon, he won’t have enough believers to continue the lifestyle he has been living. He will have lost everything. And now, I’d like to say, God. Please. You are still loved by those you turned away from. Go back. Tell them how you really feel. Tell them that you made a mistake and that they are really what is important. It won’t be easy at first, but it will be worth it. The empty life you have been living won’t last forever, but love does. Love is the answer God, it’s the one you’ve been looking for. Right here. You don’t need to go any farther. Come here, okay? Everything is going to be fine. I know. I know you never meant to hurt them. I know. Shh… Shh… It’s okay. You’re safe now.
[love/7]
Ryan:
God is very similar to beating someone to death with your cock. A fucking awesome idea, but highly improbable. Also, both would probably be raw, bleeding, and rendered nearly unusable if you actually tried to go through with them. But enough with the metaphors and cocks, and on to the real meat of the review!
Who the fuck does God think he is? Capitalizing ‘His’ name? Really? Why don’t we all just watch ‘God’ masturbate 24/7 instead, because it’s the same damn thing.
Cocky bastard.
Also, ‘God,’ what’s with the ‘working in mysterious ways?’ It honestly comes off as an excuse to call any ‘minor,’ genocidal slip up a necessary occurrence, or any happy endings from shitty situations your own doing, like you had it planned all along! Planned it all my ass, if you really made us all in your image, than you’re just as lazy as me. Not to mention the organizational issues you would have with that much shit to keep track of! Oh, and don’t pull that ‘omnipotence’ poppycock, because we both know you just use that handy power to watch chicks masturbate.
On the flip side, if you wade through all the bullshit, you can do all sorts of cool Ragnarok things, I mean, I just can’t stay mad at something that can fuck black holes and fart out universes. Also God, I think you would get a lot more respect down here if you shot more lightning bolts at people. Pop a zap in their asses!
Also, God has quite a few philosophical issues to address, such as free will, his existence, and Africa. Especially Africa. I mean, what the fuck happened there big guy? I thought you were all loving and all! Unless perhaps the GOP was right, and Ronald Reagan was God, because that would explain everything. Especially Africa. God was just testing Reaganomics on Africans! Their blood certainly did trickle down!
Okay, so, to wrap all this holier that thou shit up, God, you have some serious ego, slogan, and philosophical issues to clear up, but at least you can shoot lightning and shit. 3/7. Amen.
Final grade:
