Lev:
Chartreuse is a color undecided. It cowers beneath the presumptuous title of “chartreuse” merely to distract people from the fact that it is no more than the color of pea soup, of pea mush, of baby mush, of baby barf, which has subsequently been mushed. What few people realize is that chartreuse is just the half-way point between green and yellow! Shocking, people, shocking! But how does it get away with this travesty? How does such a tasteless, sickly color garner the respect it has? Propaganda. You know you’ve witnessed it. Everywhere you go you see the propaganda machines hard at work. You hear “chartreuse” this and “chartreuse” that. All meaning has been redacted from this noun. The name itself seems to evoke some sort of glory, an elegance if you will. Perhaps someone’s dress will be a dazzling “chartreuse”. I’m sure you’ve thought this, don’t lie. But think, really think. What is this mythical color you’ve established within your deluded mind? No solid color can satisfy the wild expectations our culture has imbued the word “chartreuse” with. It’s a sham, a hoax. Chartreuse parades down the street in its top hat and coat tales, acting like it’s better than all the other damn colors in town. But behind its elaborate façade chartreuse is nothing more than a sad, empty individual. It doesn’t know what it is. It’s the deformed step-child of green and yellow, shunned from society and forced to take a name that evokes flourished excess. It’s overcompensating. But I have no compassion for this lonely, pathetic color. It’s dug its own hole by trying to be something it isn’t. So I’m sorry to say that the sad tale of chartreuse ends here. I couldn’t disregard the thing completely, and say fuck it, but its merits run thin. That is why my conclusion is that I merely wouldn’t fuck it.
Pat:
Say you were up late the night before, boozing, fighting, being manly, the whole deal. You wake up the next morning and, of course, you can’t remember a thing. The hangover is killing you and you just want to keep sleeping, when you hear breathing behind you. You turn over in your bed, and there’s Chartreuse, completely naked, laying right next to you. You freak out and jump out of your bed, because Chartreuse is all weird and puke-ish looking. She’s just downright fuck ugly. You scream and run for the nearest church, because only God can help you now.
This is the situation I found myself in this morning. It was a disgusting experience. Why? I’ll tell you why, because NO ONE would want to fuck chartreuse. Not even drunk. It’s just a desperate, whiny, disgusting color that brings absolutely nothing positive to your life. And after you sleep with it, while being drunk mind you, the damn thing thinks that now you two are “an item”. Here’s my quick review of items: FUCK ITEMS. I am not an item with you chartreuse, and I never will be.
All she does is call and call and whine and throw up and piss on cakes and all sorts of gross stuff. She’s calling me right now, during my sacred review time!
Agh..
Listen, Chartreuse, I know life isn’t too easy for you. If I looked like I came out of a monster’s asshole, I know I wouldn’t be happy. It’s just that, I take aesthetics very seriously, and I can’t be with a color that is similar to what I imagine E.T’s semen looks like. I hope I did not hurt your feelings, and I hope you will find some other hideous color to love someday, have you tried giving piss yellow a call?
I want what’s best for you Chartreuse, but more importantly, I want what’s best for me.
So fuck you, Chartreuse.
Matt:
I have mixed feelings about Chartreuse. On one hand, its a pretty lame color. It has nothing going for it. It isn’t particularly disgusting, or beautiful. It is completely bland. On the other hand, you can make nice rhymes with it, like Chartreuse Caboose. This factor is hardly noticed but makes a significant impact when measuring Chartreuse’s net value. Chartreuse has an interesting personality. While it has a fantastic name that could garner quite a bit of attention, it stays in the background, knowing that its name is the only thing about it that has any worth. I thank Chartreuse for this. The days of dignity and self-awareness among colors are gone, but Chartreuse is holding steadfast. It will not falsely advertise itself, it won’t whore itself out, it is just your everyday working color, trying to make its way in this world. Unfortunately, Chartreuse isn’t actually a good color. At all. So I’m going to have to give it a 2/7, I Won’t Fuck It.
Bill:
When looking at the color chartreuse, a mixture of emotions rushes through my veins. To give you an insight on how I’m feeling I decided to make a list in order of the magnitude of the emotion.
…
- Angst
- Lust
- Neglect
- Surprise
- Relief
- Excitement
- Jealousy
- Pride
- Disappointment
- Affection
As you can see the list goes on and on. For the purposes of this review, I’ve decided to stick to only the first three emotions: angst, lust, and neglect.
Angst
While at first it may be difficult to understand how it is possible to feel angst while looking at a color, need I remind you of where the color chartreuse appears in common life. Have you ever gone to a Mexican restaurant where you stepped in and it just doesn’t look clean? Maybe the deep fryer isn’t hot enough or there’s some sort of sludge on the hands of the Mexican cook in the back, but either way you can just tell that it might not be safe to eat the food there. You feel angst over whether or not you should eat there, but you decide hey, fuck it, I’m going to eat it. The next day you’re looking in your toilet and what do you see but that yellowy-green color of chartreuse. So on the level of angst, I decided to give the color chartreuse a 1: Fuck it, based on your decision to eat that terrible Mexican food in the first place.
Lust
Have you ever been sitting in the corner at a party by yourself and you see a girl across the room that is absolutely the most beautiful girl in the world. You think to yourself, “I must talk to that girl, I must be with her. I would absolutely, without a doubt fuck that pussy.” Yea, you know the girl, the girl in the chartreuse outfit. So on the level of lust, I would rate the color chartreuse a 7: I’d fuck it, because I would absolutely fuck the girl in the chartreuse sweater.
Neglect
You’re at an extravagant restaurant with an alluring woman that you’ve only met the other day, and are trying to impress her. Earlier you donned a white shirt with subtle orange tie to try to show off your ability to dress well. Early in the dinner you order the pea soup, trying to show this beautiful woman that you have the ability to make the healthy choice. A slip of the spoon, and BOOM! chartreuse stain on your white shirt, horribly clashing with the orange of the tie, making this woman neglect your proficient ability in bed. She says, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t fuck it. No, I won’t fuck it.” So on the level of neglect, I would rate the color chartreuse a 2: I won’t fuck it, based on the fact that this wonderful woman will not fuck it.
After many hours of determination, I have to decided to rate the color chartreuse an average of my three sub-ratings. 1+2+7=10/3=3.33, rounded to a 3.5: an inebriated hand job and a half.
Final grade: