Matt:
I have a very easy job for this one, folks. There are no stupid fanboys whose very existences I have to crush in order to get the truth out. Nobody cares for Trevor. It is pitiful really. Walking down an aisle in the supermarket, you might notice a curious little commodity making its home on those stupid little steel wire things that dispense cheap foreign made goods that will break within a day or two. Or so one would expect. This item is a Trevor. After opening your Trevor’s box, you might/will be struck by a terrible odor. This is because Trevor has been living inside of the box. He has been pissing and shitting all over himself ever since his miserable existence began. If this does not immediately cause you to take your handy dandy .357 magnum revolver out of its holster and blow the brains out of this sad little man’s head, then you will want to reach for the instruction manual. You are also quite stupid, and far less prone to shoot disgusting things than I. While you are reading the manual, you will realize that Trevor is very whiny. This is both because the manual tells you this, and because Trevor will be whining. Again, remember how wonderful firearms can be. Trevor will want to be fed, and wiped, and he will beg you to buy a nice matching leash for him so you can take him on walks. Do not take him for a walk. God dammit. I hate Trevor. I’m usually pretty optimistic about trying new things, but i hate Trevor. I can’t believe that anyone could even think that he could be marketable. Maybe you don’t want to shoot him, so you think you’ll let him die a natural death by chaining him to a post and not feeding him. He won’t die. Don’t buy one. He will piss in your cereal boxes, and shit in your sink.
Fuck Trevor.
Lev:
Those looking for a fun time with their families will be sorely disappointed by Trevor. What may appear exciting and novel at first soon becomes an irritating fad. Trevor’s lasting appeal is comparable to that of squeezable peanut butter. It seems like a fun time at first. You go, “hey, how’d I ever spread peanut butter without the use of a knife before?” But then you realize, “wow, I’m one lazy asshole … and this peanut butter actaully tastes really crappy.” Then the peanut butter tries telling you some abstarct metaphor that goes no where and leaves you feeling strangely irritated. That’s what one can expect from Trevor.
Those around Trevor soon discover his major downfalls and negative attributes, of which there are simply too many to count. Sadly, all of his attempts to overcome these downfalls merely leave the layman with the odd feeling that Trevor is even more of a unappealing novelty, if even that much can be said of him. His negative vibes and general “wittier-than-thou” attitude leave me, personally, with the bitter taste of “Fuck Trevor.”
Pat:
Imagine a beautiful field filled with all of your favorite treats, toys, and animals in the middle of a nice, cool spring day. Laughing carelessly, you grab one of the cute little fuzzy bunnies that you adore so much, and pet it as it purrs in your arms. You hear a noise behind you, and, of course, you think that it is yet another adorable animal. You couldn’t be more wrong. There stands a teenage boy with an appetite for the destruction of all that you love. Loaded 12-gauge in hand, the boy pumps round after round into your beloved bunnies. Their blood splatters onto your treats, rendering them un-eatable, and you toys, making it impossible to play with them. Drenched it cute bunny body fluid, you watch as the boy sullies all that you love.
You are probably sobbing uncontrollably now. It’s okay, don’t worry. Grab a tissue, take deep breaths. It’s all over, the boy won’t hurt you. I’m here to help.
The example above is the story of Trevor, a boy dedicated to the death of all that you hold dear. He is pessimistic, rude, smelly, murderous, and enjoys bringing people down by saying things such as “You’ll never make that website!”. He is, to put it simply, the worst person in the universe.
Trevor is yet another example of the press over-hyping an upcoming product. Trevor was all the rage prior to his release, but I assure you dear reader, all will be disappointed by this train-wreck. Trevor is just a vile, evil parasite, and a bad choice.
Fuck Trevor.
Final grade: